Size Matters Not

little things easier everyday
when will size
cease to matter?

I wrote this almost a year ago when I first started to reap the benefits of my practice.  I've always had issues with procrastination and avoiding certain situations.  Excuses came so easily that I accepted them before even realizing it was possible to reject them.

At this point I was finding little things around the house to be easier, but the big things were still giving me trouble.  Writing these simple pseudo-haiku were my first attempts at examining these thought patterns: the first step in making changes to them. You can't admit you have a problem until you realize the truth of the problem.

a simple difficult intention
i do what i can
or do i?

By this point, I'd begun to question the effort that I was putting towards pushing through difficult situations.

disappointment
aversion is today's vice
it must dissolve

Despite my awareness and effort, I still had setbacks.  I shied away from situations rather than push through them.

the nail on the head
fear of surrendering freedom
next step?

This was an incredible breakthrough.  Now I was aware of why I didn't want to do many of the things I really needed to do to progress in life.  In my last post I admitted to running away from things that ranged from uncomfortable down to inconvenient.  This was because to do them meant giving up freedom.  Once I was in the situation, I just went with it.  Getting into it was a different thing.  Now that I knew what the problem was, I had to figure out what to do about it.

Continued practice was the answer and it has made a difference.

So what makes me bring this up now?

Something wonderful actually.

Monday night, I had the pleasure of attending a discussion at Rice University due to my involvement with writing for Bayou Buddhists on HoustonBelief.com.  The panel consisted most notably of the Venerable Master Miao Tsan, abbot of the Vairocana Zen Monastary in California.  He is publicizing the English translation of his best selling book Just Use This Mind.

The discussion itself was a wonderful experience, but when I found out that initially the potential for an interview had been offered, I jumped on it.

I've never conducted an interview like this before so I really didn't have any idea what I was doing or what I was getting into.  Sure, I listen to interview programs on public radio all the time so I know what the end result is like, but to birth it myself would be an undertaking.

I plowed right through it.  I came up with sample questions which I ended up actually using. I played the email game to work my way to the people who could make the other end meet mine to make it happen.  I showed up and, although nervous for most of it, I got through it and even did a good job.

The whole time, from saying yes to the idea all the way through the end of the interview, all I could think was, "wow, I'm really making this happen."  So recently, I would have been making excuses to myself; talking my way out of it. 

There's still work to do.  I have to finish transcribing the recording, then format and edit it, so soon it will be posted here and at HoustonBelief.com.

But I really made this happen.

I've never considered myself assertive or any type of go-getter.  I'm typically passive and introverted, so this was a shock.  I don't really feel any different, but obviously I am.

While I haven't mastered myself, I am not in full control yet, size really has begun to cease to matter.