Today was the big day. I looked at the house I've enjoyed living in for more than a year, the one I thought I'd be living in for a while longer, for the last time as someone who lived there.
As the days led up to that moment, the physical reality of the situation has grown and grown but it will still be a while before I'm settled. This is definitely going to be a new experience. That's what I was expecting coming into it but I knew it would be nothing like what I'd expect.
It's been so weird to see new things in a familiar setting, familiar things in a new setting, and seeing what's going on in front of me as a new person. This will really take my idea of who this person is that I am to a very new place.
One of the first few days I was in orientation for my job, sitting in a conference room looking around and considering how alien it all was to me and how different it was to who I thought I was, I felt as if each moment I would wake up from the dream. I almost feel like that now, thinking I'll just remember that this isn't who I a really am and I'll just pop back to my old life.
But now it's here and so am I with nowhere to run.
There will be more responsibilities to come but for now I'm acting almost as a night watchman, making sure all the doors are locked in the evening and that the appropriate lights are either on or off.
There will be lots of zazen, ideally more than I'm comfortable with. I don't have that much of a problem with that since I've been slacking off in the last few months and it now should be a good time to utilize both aspects of the practice for insight and calming.
As I said, the gravity of what's going on in my life is really sinking in and I feel I haven't dealt with it enough emotionally. Between the changes in my personal life and the stresses of work, I'm really wound up but I can't feel it like I think I should. As I was sitting tonight I just wanted to get it over with and feel a good release but I know it doesn't work that way, it'll happen when it happens and I can only hope it does so at a convenient time.
For now each time I feel resistance to what lies ahead I remind myself it's only temporary and I will be stronger for putting myself through it, even more so if I do it with a smile in my heart.
I've really wanted to address how little all of this has really pulled me along by my emotions like I expected, but while I've been searching for a way to express it, it's kind of catching up with me.
I'll have to see how tomorrow goes and maybe I'll be able to address it a little more then.
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