I've learned the lesson moving to Texas was supposed to teach me today. As the mind monkeys preformed their show during zazen, they revisited that experience and how I had felt isolated in the moment after realizing my past no longer mattered because my future was gone.
They teased me with the idea of kensho about this. There was no great opening when it happened all those years ago so how could that be? I didn't know the concept at the time so it was just sad.
As they continued their dance, this thought bounced around some more until it collided with the facts that not only am I okay with what happened, I strive to share it with others so that they too may gain the wisdom to accept with equanimity.
At this tears welled up in my eyes, even as I write this the emotion is great. This is the calling of the bodhisattva, there is no avoiding it now.
As the bell rang to signal the end of zazen, I clasped my hands in gasho to bow but found myself once again moved to tears and slowly bowed twice more in gratitude for this realization.
The Four Bodhisattva Vows have reached critical mass and carved themselves on my heart. They no longer just live as balloons floating around in my head. Beings are numberless, I can't help but try my best to save all I can as they come into my life in whatever capacity feels natural. Delusions are inexhaustible, pain and suffering are our greatest teachers because they can't be ignored. Dharma gates are boundless, I vow to enter them by being present to whatever wisdom shines on me. Buddha's Way is unsurpassable, it has brought me here, how can I ignore its truth? I can only become it as it continues to reshape my life.Everything is different, yet nothing has changed. I still got off the cushion, showered, shaved and ate breakfast. Life continues on around me and I engage in it.
Even still, I ask of each moment, "What is this?"